Growing up

Growing up. Usually when we talk about growing up, I think most of us associate the term with a positive movement or process. We talk about obtainment, refinement, and overall improvement. The term in itself is quite positive since the direction of “up” brings up a good image in human culture I believe. And I think that this way of seeing things is very true because the gains are clearly evident. We can see them. We can see our heights get taller, our muscles get stronger, our brains get bigger,… We also acquire a tangible amount of independency, new rights, knowledge et cetera… If we think about it the benefits are quite visible before us. Because of that, I think that in turn, our minds naturally link the idea of growing up with the idea of gaining, like a video game character leveling up.

However, I think that human being is only a finite vessel and can only fit so much before it’s full. So going on along this train of thought, it’s natural to think that when a vessel is filled pass the brim, it is bound to overflow, unable stop its contents from spilling out. Therefore, growing up is actually not a process of obtainment but actually an exchange of properties. We must lose some to gain some. When we gain more knowledge, we are in fact exchanging our innocence, exchanging our old views for new ones corresponding to the knowledge we acquired. As we become more independent, I believe that we are in turn losing our free time. Independence means more responsibilities to take care of, more work to complete, and in general, less time for ourselves. And as we grow older, we eventually get caught up in the flow of “adult” life, caught up in the ever-changing dizzy society, caught up in the struggle to make it through each day that we forget about the things that we are losing.

Each day we chase after things we desire, let it be money, status, fame, love, et cetera. We become more and more independent in our actions, we gain more experience, we meet new people, establish new relationships, and each experience we go through contributes to what we call “growing up”. So as we gain new memories, we forget old ones, as we make new connections, we unintentionally forsake old ones… And we become lonelier I guess. If growing up means having to deal with more problems, it also means that we are more able to let go of things we can’t be bothered to deal with. We are so tired with our daily lives that preserving relationships just seem like a chore so we let it slide away. The friends that we used to hang out so much with now take up just a very little part of our lives. We care less about others, because being bothered with others’ emotions is too much of a hassle, I mean, we are barely getting through life on our own, how can we even help others. Of course this is just saying for a portion of us growing up.

Growing up means facing new environments. Some of us just fit right in, having a blast each day and feeling that life is going exactly where it is meant to be. Some of us just kind of carry on, and life in general is quite okay. And some of us just feel totally out of place. We find ourselves having trouble finding joy in new places, feeling hopelessly lost. I guess, we then, desperately cling to the past, something that we are familiar with. We try to connect with the old because the new is too scary for us to face. But all we find is that the old is no longer there. Everything changes eventually. It is not in the same picture anymore. The images in your head are forever locked as memories that will never come to pass again. Relationships change, people change, and even you yourself, while trying to deny everything life throws at you, inevitably change in the process. In the end, however hard you try to hang on to the good old days, the flow of life drags you on down the stream nevertheless. Watching too many animes and movies ultimately resulted in me having picturesque illusions of lifetime friendships and long lasting happiness but growing up means that realizing those things only go so well for so many of us. On the other hand, if I really think about it, then maybe I am just really really really stubborn to admit the good aspects of my new environments since it is something unfamiliar and the unknown is always hard to accept.

Growing up also results in a lot of new discoveries about ourselves. Moving on in life comes along with our worlds ever expanding, ever changing. We used to be the top dogs in our respective environments but only now finding out that we are merely flies in the big wide world. We come into contact with giants, feeling insignificantly small in their proportions. It is then that we actually have a grasp of what we are and aren’t capable of. We discover that we are more or less determined by what we can and cannot do. Our identities essentially boil down to what sets us apart. Because if we are unable to stand out, we are forever lost in the masses of others. Living in a closed environment, we had no problem making connections, but in an open one, we struggle to make even one friend. Back in school days, even if we were the shy kids, we were inevitably dragged into events. Meeting everyone everyday would unavoidably strikes up conversations from time to time. But now, we are all alone. Everyone goes about their own agendas and we can’t connect. Despite the fact that we are meeting more people, the time we spend with them is so insubstantial that relationships only end up being acquaintances. We grow up to realize that dreams and expectations will not always be realized. We find ourselves disappointed from time to time, discouraged because surrounding elements seem to move against us. It’s not as simple as it was in the head of our younger selves. With so many players having innumerable agendas, it is almost certain that conflicts will occur.

Getting lost in that impossibly wide world, physically and socially, what can we do? We are alone, we are talentless, we are unprogressive,… I think that some of us definitely have had some of these thoughts hitting this age. We can’t help but feel the enormous amount of negative energy which is so hard to cope with that we deny the fact that we have grown up. Close to the age of 20. Not even one bit an adult in anyway, but I think I have went quite a journey. One fourth of the average lifetime, haven’t gone through enough hardships so I’m easy to crumble. Wrestling with reality, grasping in the dark trying to figure out who I am in relation to myself and others. Living in a small world up until now, surrounded by joy and always able to get what I wanted fairly easily, I think in much more than one way or another I am a spoiled child. I was content with myself and I’d like to think that I was a likable person. I hoped I was. So I denied any change and have been quite negative this past 2 years and I would like to change. People have moved on and I think I should too. Being talkative might not be the me now, my view might not be as positive as back then, and I’m pretty sure I’m not the same bright kid that I was anymore. But I guess these changes might not be all bad. In exchange for all that positivity I guess I hardened my resolve, learned how to be more careful, and in a way I could say that I have “grown up” just a bit. Still a kid finding my way in this thing called life. As long as I keep my goal in sight, I think I’ll be fine. Just need to search a little harder for that special something. Until then, still empty.