I’ve been listening to a lot of music these past few weeks. Sad love songs and nostalgic melodies. I have always liked such songs that leave a slow melacholy that seeps through the day. But now, the notes seep through my eyes.
The rain of these past few days have been creeping into my mind. Mixed with the countless sad stories of aching hearts. Once again the same images surface up, as vivid as ever. Once again the scenes of a future that could come play past my eyes, as bright as one could ever imagine.
The past has always been filled with happiness in my memories. Although there were times of hardships or momentary sadness, I don’t think I had ever felt the need to say I’m unhappy. I was confident in my abilities, in my path in life, and in the things that I have chosen. The first moment I felt despair, the first moment I felt my powerlessness, the first moment I felt my insecurities beginning to grab a hold of me was the moment that I realized I could lose you. The past (with you) has always been like rays of sunshine. Each strand a memory so warm to keep me going through the harsh days.
It’s been 1 month. Since my insecurities got a hold of me. It’s been 1 month. Since I felt like a side character in my own story.
But in that 1 month, I have sorted out quite a few of my thoughts. I have addressed quite a number of my problems. And I have gotten quite some answers. Not quite sufficient, but I am fumbling along.
Listening to the songs feels different now. I realize that I’m not alone in this venture. There are many lost souls out there with relatable stories, feeling insecured about themselves, about their families, about their partners, about their lives, about the paths that they have chosen. We are all wandering on this dark road with only a small lamplight to try to light up the road ahead.
I think that most of us hit a road block of some kind at this age (the quarter life crisis). The pressure is even more so when we are stuck between the transition of two generations. Torn between the old standards and the new ways. Maybe that is why it is so tormenting to choose. Should we do as we are taught (stable but unfulfilling?) or should we be selfish to pave a new path (uncertain but true?)?. But not everything is black and white. It is hard to separate things clearly. And once again confusion creeps in.
“Ignorance is bliss.” To be raised as a child with academics, manners, and certain capability of critical thoughts can be a burden in this day and age. We try to follow in the footsteps and advices of our parents since respect and the feeling of being indebted are ingrained in our bodies. It can not be denied that up until this point in life, many of our choices have been based on their decisions, so it’s simpler to follow as before. But we have certain skills, certain thoughts, certain aspirations that simmer deep down, waiting to explode. So once again, we are torn.
To make a choice entirely on my own is scary. To see the disappointed faces of my own parents is demoralizing. To drag my friends into the pit of problems that my hands created is unnerving. To watch tears roll down the cheeks of my love is heart-wrenching.
But life can never be as simple as a rom-com, laughing through each episodes to reach a happy ending. I strive for it to be. But life has been throwing obstacles at me from the moment I set foot on that airplane. The important thing is to endure. But for how long can we endure?
To be but a small fish in the vast sea is quite a scary feeling. Arduously flapping my fins to get through the days, to reach my destination… But the currents pull me upside down, the bigger fish push me sideways, as I struggle to swim straight and true.
They say the the one we marry does not necessarily have to be the one that we love the most. But that is such a sad notion. It is the same as joining a tournament only to aim for 2nd or even 3rd place. Living life while not giving it my all does not seem like what I want to do. While the safety and assurance is tempting, I think some parts of me still want to choose you. But I can not be half-hearted in this game of life when it affects the both of us so deeply. So once again I question my love. Is it truly the definition of love?
I am still trying to figure out many answers. It might not be the best choices for everybody but I am making efforts in my own ways.
How many years must we pass until we are confident? How many failures must we experience to finally know success? How many questions do we have to answer to feel assured?
To you, my thoughts 